Being Nice or People-Pleasing?

Being nice and helping others should result in better relationships.

However, did you know that being overly nice or too helpful can disconnect you from those you want to be close to?

I'm not suggesting that you stop being kind, but if you find yourself constantly putting others' needs above your own, it might cost you more than you think. Let’s explore when helping others becomes a problem and what issues can arise.

When does helping others go too far?

Sometimes, these problems are subtle and sneaky; you might not even recognize them because everything else in your life seems to be going well. You might have a successful career, a close group of friends, and generally feel confident. So, what’s there to fix?

Let’s divide the issues into "Your Problems" and "Other People Problems." Suppose these issues appear in your life, especially regularly or around a particular person or situation. In that case, it might be time to consider whether people-pleasing is a habit causing you problems.

You Problems: The Internal Struggles

Feeling Responsible for Others' Emotions

One major issue for people-pleasers is feeling responsible for others' emotions and well-being. This can lead to overwhelming guilt and constant anxiety. I know this from personal experience—there was a time when I constantly worried about how my actions affected others, which left me feeling guilty and anxious.

What You Can Do: Practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for managing others' emotions. Setting clear boundaries is crucial to protecting your mental health.

Emotional Reactions: Anxiety and Depression

The pressure to constantly please others can take a toll on your emotional health, resulting in anxiety and depression. You might feel chronic stress, always on edge, or emotionally exhausted from trying to meet everyone's expectations.

What You Can Do: Engage in self-care activities. If needed, seek professional help. Mindfulness and relaxation techniques can also help manage stress and improve emotional well-being.

Feeling Burdened and Exhausted

People-pleasers often take on too much, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion. Overcommitting to tasks and neglecting your own needs can leave you feeling overwhelmed and burned out.

What You Can Do: Learn to prioritize your tasks and delegate when possible. It’s okay to say no and take time for yourself. Your well-being should always be a priority.

Fear of Rejection

A deep-seated fear of rejection can drive people-pleasing behaviors. This fear makes it difficult to assert your own needs, as you might avoid conflict to keep the peace or constantly seek approval from others.

What You Can Do:

- Build self-confidence by recognizing your worth independent of others' opinions.

- Practice assertive communication to express your needs without fear.

- Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your own feelings.

Low Self-Esteem and Lack of Authenticity

People-pleasers often struggle with low self-esteem and feel inauthentic in relationships. They might doubt their value and abilities or suppress their true emotions to avoid conflict.

What You Can Do: Engage in self-reflection and use affirmations to boost your self-esteem. Authenticity in relationships fosters deeper connections and mutual respect. Being true to yourself is the foundation of healthy relationships.

Other People Problems: External Challenges

Being Perceived as the Responsible One

People-pleasers are often seen as the go-to person for help, leading to increased expectations from others and a lack of appreciation for your efforts.

What You Can Do: Communicate your limits. Please encourage others to take responsibility for their own tasks. It’s important to ensure your efforts are recognized and not taken for granted.

Being Taken Advantage of By Others

Whether your friends and co-workers are doing this intentionally or not (they probably are not), you might feel as though they are taking advantage of you. This is likely because you have had a difficult time setting limits so they don't know what they ask for feels like too much.

What You Can Do: Start setting limits around small things and work your way up to bigger things as you get better at it. Your friends and co-workers won't be as put off as you think.

Difficulty Saying No and Setting Boundaries

Struggling to say no can lead to overcommitment and resentment. You might feel obligated to take on more than you can handle, leading to overwhelming obligations and a sense of being taken advantage of.

What You Can Do: Practice assertive communication and set clear boundaries. Protecting your time and energy is essential for your well-being.

Handling Conflict

Avoiding conflict is common among people-pleasers, but this can lead to unresolved issues and resentment. Suppressing your emotions and avoiding difficult conversations can cause problems to fester and grow.

What You Can Do: Develop conflict resolution skills and address issues directly and calmly. Healthy conflict can strengthen relationships.

Expressing Personal Desires

People-pleasers often struggle to express their needs and desires, leading to relationship dissatisfaction. Refrain from neglecting your own wants to leave you feeling unfulfilled.

What You Can Do: Practice self-advocacy and communicate your desires openly. Your needs are just as important, and expressing them is key to a balanced relationship with others.

Recognizing and Addressing People-Pleasing

Do any of these issues resonate with you? Recognizing people-pleasing behaviors is the first step toward change. Here are some strategies to address these tendencies:

• Building Courage and Communication Skills: Take time to understand your motivations and fears.
• Skill-Building: Learn and practice assertive communication and boundary-setting.
• Seek Support: Consider therapy or coaching to work through deep-seated issues.

Watch my YouTube video to learn more about the ways people-pleasing shows up in your life. In it, I explore these topics in greater detail and offer practical advice on how to build healthier, more authentic relationships. Be sure to check it out, and remember to subscribe to my channel for more insights and tips!