Dr. Julie Shafer
Media Kit
Bio
Hi, I’m Dr. Julie, or just Julie to you, and I coach adults to a better future by helping to turn big, overwhelming relationship problems into a series of small, doable changes. I’ve dedicated my professional life to this because it’s the one thing all my clients talk about, regardless of their reason for working with me initially. It’s also something I’m intimately familiar with, but more about that later. I'm a Portland psychologist and wrote Loved: Relationship Rules for Women Who Thought They Knew the Rules after two decades working with women on their relationships and going through a few struggles of my own. My work and writing focuses on getting the connection with others you want and deserve, whether it is with an intimate partner, friend, or family member. I have a PhD in clinical psychology from Ohio State University and has helped hundreds of people improve their relationships and their lives.
"If you're giving other people what they want and you're not asking for what you want, that's not a healthy relationship. That's a recipe for exhaustion, burnout, and disconnection."
- Dr. Julie Shafer
INTERVIEW, SPEAKING & WORKSHOP TOPICS
Helping audiences shift from guilt and overwhelm to confidence and clarity.
Arguments happen despite all our people-pleasing efforts to be nice and get along–they are unavoidable. But people-pleasers often lack skills for effectively handling arguments because they put their energy into pleasing others to avoid arguments. If we can learn how to disagree without it blowing up on us, we can deepen our relationships, which is what people-pleasers generally want in the first place. My tips:
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Listen to your partner’s point of view (really listen)
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Don’t insist on being right (even if you are)
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Act as if your partner has a valid point, try to put yourself in their shoes
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Be willing to change your mind (you’re partner might actually have a point)
These tips make conflict safer and will take the wind out of many arguments.
What is selfishness and how do you know if you are selfish? These are major questions for many women as to whether they identify as people-pleasers or not. In this discussion, we can explore:
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Why selfishness gets confused with self-care.
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How societal and cultural norms fuel guilt about prioritizing personal needs.
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The hidden costs of ignoring your needs on relationships and mental health.
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Practical tips for redefining "selfishness" and reclaiming your time and energy.
Saying “no” is one of the hardest challenges for people-pleasers. This is the first step in taking back personal power and not doing too much people-pleasing. In this discussion, we can cover:
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The connection between relationship anxiety (fear of rejection) and over-commitment.
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Techniques for saying “no” that allow you to be heard with less conflict.
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Tips on how to get started with saying “no” more.
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Using values to guide you on when and where to say no.
Setting boundaries isn’t just a skill—it’s a necessity for self-preservation. Potential talking points include:
- Why people-pleasers struggle to set and enforce boundaries.
- The difference between grudges and boundaries in relationships.
- How to communicate boundaries in a way that others respect.
- Signs it’s time to reinforce or adjust your boundaries for better balance.
The inner critic can be one of the biggest obstacles for people-pleasers. We think the inner critic is vital to our success but it is actually holding us back. In this conversation, we can explore:
- The origins of the inner critic and why it’s so persistent.
- How the inner critic feeds self-doubt and people-pleasing behaviors.
- Tools for recognizing and rewriting negative self-talk.
- The role of self-compassion in building confidence and emotional resilience.
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