What is a people-pleaser?

A person who has fallen into the trap of people-pleasing consistently prioritizes others' happiness and approval, often at the expense of their own needs and desires. This behavior is a pattern focused on ensuring those around them are content. Their decisions and actions are determined by a belief that they need to keep others happy, even if it means neglecting their well-being. The need to keep others happy is a way to justify their worth of the relationship. Understanding people-pleaser patterns and habits involves recognizing this consistent prioritization of others and self-sacrifice and its impact on your life.

The Roots of People Pleasing

Understanding people-pleasing requires a closer look at its roots. Typically, when we examine the pattern of people-pleasing behavior we see a deep-seated need for validation and acceptance, a sense that the people-pleaser doesn’t deserve the relationship unless they make everyone happy. There are many factors that influence this pattern including upbringing, societal expectations, fear of rejection or abandonment, personal insecurities, or simply a desire to fit in.

Many of us feel pleasing others is so natural we don’t even realize we are doing it. Various factors can trigger this inclination.

• Childhood experiences: A childhood marked by challenging events, neglect, or even abuse often has a big influence. These kinds of experiences typically leave a child with the belief that their needs and desires didn't matter. Instead, to cope with or survive these situations, they learned to prioritize others for a sense of safety and worth.
• Social conditioning: Society reinforces that being kind and accommodating is virtuous, especially for women. There's often a societal bias against assertiveness or putting yourself first, particularly for women who may feel pressured to prioritize others over themselves.
• Fear of rejection or abandonment: The fear of being rejected or abandoned can drive our people-pleasing tendencies. Past experiences or relationships may have reinforced the idea that our self-worth is directly tied to how much we can please others.
• Low self-esteem: Approval from others will make us feel good enough or valuable, but if we carry a chronic feeling of not being good enough, the boost from approval doesn’t last long. Continually putting others first keeps that much-needed approval coming to counter our low-self esteem.

Understanding that the roots of people-pleasing behavior are complex and unique to each individual can help us navigate these patterns. By exploring the beliefs and experiences that drive this behavior, we gain clarity about ourselves and can work towards positive changes in how we relate to others. Why do people become People Pleasers?   

The Downside of People Pleasing

Being a people pleaser has significant downsides worth acknowledging. Let's look at the risks associated with this common behavior.

Impact on Well-being: The stress and anxiety that come with pleasing everyone else can lead to burnout and poor mental health. With a focus on everyone else, the people-pleasers often don’t take the time to rejuvenate themselves.

Strained Relationships: While the intention is positive, people-pleasing can strain relationships. Suppressing one's true feelings to avoid disappointing others will lead to superficial connections and unspoken tensions.

Professional Consequences: In the workplace, saying "yes" to everything can result in an overwhelming workload and actually hinder career growth. The inability to assert oneself might be perceived negatively, affecting professional advancement.

Loss of Authenticity: People-pleasing often involves sacrificing authenticity to fit in. Constantly adapting to others' expectations can lead to losing identity and disconnection from one's true self.

Clear Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser

Is saying “yes” so automatic that you don’t even think about saying “no?” If you want to say “no,” do you think you can? Have you ever felt the urge always to say "yes," seek constant approval, or avoid disagreements at all costs? These might be signs that you're a people-pleaser. 

Difficulty Saying "No": If saying "no" feels like a near impossibility, you could be a people-pleaser. The fear of letting others down often results in an automatic "yes," even when it's not in your best interest.

Constant Need for Approval: Relying heavily on external validation is a common trait of people-pleasers. If you constantly seek approval and measure your self-worth based on others' opinions, it's time to take notice.

Ignoring Personal Needs: Prioritizing others' needs over your own is a clear sign of people-pleasing. Whether neglecting self-care or sacrificing personal time, putting others first can become habitual.

Over-Apologizing: People-pleasers often apologize excessively, even for things beyond their control. The need to smooth things over and avoid conflict can manifest in unnecessary apologies.

Fear of Rejection: If the thought of someone being displeased with you causes significant anxiety, it might be a sign of people-pleasing. The fear of rejection or criticism can drive you to great lengths to maintain harmony, even at your own expense.

Avoiding Conflict at All Costs: People-pleasers tend to steer clear of confrontations or disagreements. The desire to keep everyone happy leads to conflict avoidance, hindering honest communication and issue resolution.

People-pleasing behavior often originates from various underlying causes, such as childhood experiences, social conditioning, fear of rejection, low self-esteem, a lack of assertiveness skills, cultural or familial expectations, and codependency.

Understanding the root causes of people-pleasing allows individuals to recognize recurring patterns in their behavior and facilitates positive, lasting changes.

How to Stop People-Pleasing and Reclaim Your Authenticity

If you've recognized the signs of being a people-pleaser and are ready to break free from the cycle of constantly seeking approval, you're on the path to reclaiming your authenticity. Here are the practical steps to help you stop people-pleasing and foster a healthier, more genuine way of living.

Heighten Self-Awareness: Start by becoming more aware of your behaviors and the situations where you prioritize others over yourself. Self-awareness lays the foundation for meaningful change. This also means being willing to be honest with yourself about the effect your actions have on yourself and others.

Practice Assertiveness: Gradually build your assertiveness by practicing saying "no." Setting boundaries is crucial for breaking the cycle of people-pleasing. Remember, it's okay to prioritize your own well-being. Start saying “no” to small situations for practice and gradually work your way up to bigger situations. 

Express Your Needs Openly: Identify and communicate your needs with those around you. This fosters authentic connections built on mutual understanding, reducing the need for constant approval. 

Embrace Discomfort as Growth: Understand that discomfort is a natural part of personal growth. Instead of avoiding challenging situations, embrace them as opportunities for learning and development. Remember that anything worth doing is worth doing awkwardly at first. New behaviors always feel weird.

Boost Your Self-Esteem: Cultivate a positive self-image by acknowledging your strengths and celebrating your achievements. Shift your focus from what you’re afraid you did wrong to what you’ve done well. Recognize your achievements and progress. Building self-esteem diminishes the reliance on external validation and encourages a more authentic sense of self.

Surround Yourself with Supportive Relationships: Seek relationships that appreciate and value you for who you are, not just what you do for them. Surrounding yourself with supportive people encourages you to be authentic and breaks the people-pleasing cycle.

Embrace Imperfection: Release the pressure of perfectionism. Accepting your imperfections and learning from mistakes is vital to personal growth. Embrace the journey, recognizing that nobody is flawless.

Breaking Free: A Transformational Journey from People-Pleasing to Empowered Living

Now that you understand people-pleasing and which signs of people-pleasing that resonate with you, it's clear that taking steps to break free is important. If saying “no” feels challenging, my "People-Pleasing Masterclass Bundle" course can be a helpful guide. 

This course is your roadmap to navigating people-pleasing challenges, especially if saying “no” feels like an uphill battle. I understand that change can be intimidating, but this course isn't just about information; it's about actionable steps and practical tools you can implement daily. It's about empowering you to take a simple first step, especially if change feels challenging.

Ready to Begin?

If you're ready to take the first step towards a life free from the burdens of people-pleasing, enroll in my People-Pleasing Masterclass Bundle.