Are You a Priority or an Option? How to Tell the Difference.

Dear Dr. Julie: I caught feelings for a guy. I’m in America, and he’s in Africa. He says there’s no rush for a relationship. At first, I thought we were dating, but him saying that is confusing.

Now I’m at a point where I feel kinda foolish, like he had a change of heart and I was never his type from the start. We barely communicate or FaceTime, and he does business with a lot of beautiful women. That bothers me, though I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Yet sometimes, I think to myself, What if he’s saying and asking the same things of those women that he says to me?

I allowed him to get so close to my heart that I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I need to detach quickly when I think of him talking to or dealing with other women the same way he does with me. He calls the women he does business with his "friends" and shares pictures of them on their birthdays—which is crazy to me because he didn’t even acknowledge my birthday.

Honestly, it’s bothering me because sometimes it feels like he asks things of me as if we’re a couple—helping him fix his car, sending personal body pictures, even asking to come live with me—yet I’ve noticed the same rules don’t seem to apply to him.

Long story short, I feel stupid because I’m trying not to believe that I was never his dream girl, never his first choice, never anything to him. I’m probably just a fool, and the big joke is on me.

--Feeling Foolish

Dear Feeling Foolish,

First, let me say, I don’t think you’re foolish at all. You’re a human being with a heart, and you cared about someone. But your feeling of foolishness is a warning sign, and it’s time to listen.

This man’s actions don’t align with the kind of care and respect you deserve. He downplays your relationship, barely communicates, ignores your birthday, and seems to want the benefits of a romantic relationship (your emotional investment, your help, your pictures) without giving you the same in return. That’s not love; that’s convenience.

You’re feeling sick to your stomach because something about this situation doesn’t sit right with you. And I think you already know why—you don’t feel valued, prioritized, or special to him. You’re questioning whether you were ever his “first pick” because his behavior suggests you weren’t, and that hurts.

But here’s what I want you to ask yourself: Do you really want to be with someone who makes you feel this way? Someone who keeps you guessing, leaves you feeling unimportant, and seems more invested in other women than in you? Or do you want a relationship where you feel chosen, cherished, and confident in where you stand? 

The truth is, you don’t need to “detach quickly” just to save face. That may feel too sudden and reactionary. Instead, to take a step back and decide what you want in a relationship, and don't make excuses for him—he shouldn't be acting in a way that you need to excuse. If it doesn't feel right, something is not right. A man who wants to be with you will consistently make that clear and prioritize you. And a man who makes you feel like an option or an afterthought? He’s not your dream guy. He’s your wake-up call.