Break Free From Toxic Relationships Cycles and Find Healthy Love

Dear Dr. Julie: Hi, I keep feeling like I’m not good enough because I’ve only been in toxic relationships—ones I knew would end, with guys who used me for emotional support. I want to feel like I’m enough, like I have it all together to be with someone who truly values me and lets me be chased. How can I get there?

--- Unworthy in Utah

Dear Unworthy in Utah,

It’s tough to feel like “enough” when you’ve been caught in cycles with people who drain rather than uplift you. The truth is, we often attract others who reflect how we feel about ourselves. So, if we feel unworthy deep down, we might unconsciously draw people who reinforce that belief. This doesn’t mean it’s your fault—it’s just part of the human tendency to seek what’s familiar. But the great news is that you have the power to rewrite this story.

Feeling like "enough" begins with nurturing a strong sense of self, independent of others' opinions or behaviors. Here’s how you can start:

1. Understand and Heal Your Emotional Wounds
Often, our sense of inadequacy ties back to old hurts. Spend time identifying past experiences that may have shaped your beliefs about your worth. Consider journaling or even seeking the guidance of a therapist who can help you untangle these experiences and start healing.

2. Practice Self-Care, Even When It’s Hard
Self-care isn’t just a trendy phrase—it’s how we send a message to ourselves that we’re worth looking after. Aim to set aside time each day for an activity that uplifts you, whether it’s exercise, reading, or simply resting. These moments, while small, add up to a big message: you’re worth it.

3. Learn to Stand Up for Yourself
Building a sense of worth often involves standing up for what matters to you. This might mean practicing saying “no” to things you don’t want or asserting your boundaries with friends or family. Start with small steps, and over time, you’ll find it easier to stand firm.

4. Ask for What You Need
For many, asking for their needs to be met can feel intimidating. But remember, someone who truly values you will respect your needs. Practice small requests—maybe asking a friend for a favor or expressing a preference in a relationship. Notice how it feels to let your needs be seen.

Note: if you need help learning how to say "no" or ask for what you need get my free guide, Saying It Right: Your Guide to Confident Communication. 

5. Identify and Minimize Unsupportive Influences
Not everyone will support your growth, and that’s okay. Take note of who genuinely encourages you to thrive and who might be invested in you staying the same. Limit the influence of anyone who resists your positive changes, and surround yourself with people who want the best for you.

6. Get Support from a Therapist or Coach
Working with someone who understands emotional growth can be transformative. A therapist or coach can offer tools, insights, and guidance to help you develop a stable sense of self-worth. They can be a valuable ally in your journey toward self-validation.

Remember: Feeling “enough” is a process, not an overnight shift. As you begin to build that sense of worth from within, you’ll find that you naturally attract healthier relationships. And in those relationships, you’ll be able to step confidently into your own worth, knowing you’re no longer available to anyone who can’t recognize it.

With time, patience, and self-compassion, you’ll start to see the love and respect you deserve. Keep going, Utah—you’re already more than enough.

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