How to Be Confident If You’re Quiet: Embracing Introversion as Your Superpower

I received the following question from a community member:

Dear Dr. Julie, I feel inadequate most of the time. I graduated from high school in 1965. I've worked a variety of jobs, including 13 years with the federal government across three different agencies, and retired in 2002. I don’t talk a lot, and often in conversations, by the time I have something to add, the subject has already changed, so I skip it. I read a lot of fiction but am not interested in history—particularly remembering specific dates and events. I try not to draw attention to myself, like wearing a beautiful hat. What can I do to feel more confident?

— Quietly Questioning in Quincy
 

Dear Quietly Questioning in Quincy, 

First of all, let me assure you that feeling inadequate or out of place in conversations is more common than you think—especially for introverts and those with social anxiety. The problem is that you aren't privy to how others are feeling so you feel as if you are an outlier. When we are quiet and feel inadequate, we also feel we don’t belong, but that simply isn’t true. Your quietness, reflection, and preference for thoughtful engagement are strengths, not weaknesses.

It's frustrating if you consistently feel that conversations are leaving you behind, and it’s easy to internalize that frustration as inadequacy. But here’s the thing: introverts often process information more deeply, which can take time. What you bring to conversations is often much more meaningful. Allow yourself to embrace this quality instead of judging it.

Try this: When you’re in a conversation and the topic has moved on, try saying something like, “I’ve been thinking about what we discussed earlier, and here’s a thought…” It brings attention back to a previous point and gives you space to contribute in a way that’s natural for you.

Now, let’s address this idea of drawing attention to yourself. Wearing something that stands out or isn't your usual attire, such as a beautiful hat, may feel unnatural because it challenges the comfort of blending in. People with social anxiety often prefer to remain unnoticed, as it feels safer, more comfortable. But ask yourself—where did that belief come from, and is it still serving you?

Often, we build ideas and beliefs about who we are based on old experiences or what others have told us and it’s easy to hang on to those beliefs long after they stop being useful. The truth is, you’re allowed to change your mind about who you are. Test the waters of stepping into visibility in a way that feels manageable. Start with small things, pay attention to evidence that it's okay, and then try something else.

Unfortunately, if we hang onto outdated or dysfunctional beliefs about ourselves, they become self-fulfilling prophecies. Even when evidence suggests otherwise—your rich work history, your enjoyment of fiction and reflection—we hold tightly to old stories. So how do we rewrite them?

Start by challenging your inner critic. When you catch yourself thinking, “I don’t add much to conversations,” ask yourself, “Is that really true?” You might not speak as quickly as others, but your depth of thought is valuable. Or if you think, “I don’t want to draw attention to myself,” ask, “Why not?” What might happen if you allowed yourself a little more space to be seen?

Then work on self-acceptance. Confidence doesn’t come from trying to be someone you’re not—it comes from owning who you are, just as you are. You don’t have to change who you are, your quieter, more thoughtful presence can be your strength if you let it be.

Finally, give yourself permission to experiment with being more visible, starting small. Each step you take toward feeling comfortable being seen will build your confidence, little by little.

You’re already more than enough, Quietly Questioning. The next step is believing it.

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