How to Handle Being Ghosted

Dear Dr. Julie, How do you cope with ghosting and moving on when you were left with no apartment, no money, no car, no savings, and he took it all? The last text was December 2nd and I don't know how to survive this. I was in a committed relationship of 4 years, now I'm single.

--Totally Devastated

Dear Totally Devastated: First, let me say I'm so sorry you are going through this. Ghosting is one of the worst things one person can do to another. In your case, it is made even more painful because you've been in the relationship for a lengthy period of time and you've been left with almost nothing.

Ghosting is harder to recover from than divorce or death of a spouse because with these losses there is an ending or some sort of closure. With ghosting there is none of that. 

The grief that follows begin ghosted is known as disenfranchised grief because there is no formal, societal recognition of this loss. There are no funerals or divorce support groups. You're left on your own to deal with it. Very quickly friends and family are going to suggest that you move on, rather than giving you time to grieve.

Additionally, there is more self-blame, even though being ghosted is not your fault and you are not responsible for being ghosted. Blaming ourselves is an effort to answer the question about why it happened, to understand what it means. Unfortunately, it doesn't mean anything about you and self-blame is unhelpful here.

While being ghosted feels personal and it has had a tremendously negative effect on your life, it isn't about you. This is about your partner's inability to behave in a healthy and emotionally mature way. People ghost others for several reasons, including:

1. Avoidance of Conflict: Some people find it too uncomfortable to have difficult conversations, like expressing that they’re no longer interested.

2. Overwhelm: The ghoster might be dealing with personal challenges or emotional baggage that makes continuing the relationship feel impossible.

3. Fear of Rejection: Ironically, some people ghost to avoid the possibility of being rejected themselves, preemptively cutting ties.

4. Misalignment of Intentions: If one person is looking for a serious connection while the other is seeking something casual, the misalignment can lead to avoidance.

5. Immaturity or Lack of Skills: Some individuals lack the emotional maturity or communication skills to handle ending a relationship responsibly.

Please notice these reasons reflect the ghoster’s struggles, not your worthiness or desirability--you're not to blame. This is what I mean about it not being about you and self-blame being unhelpful.

When you take ghosting personally, you’re assigning meaning to someone else’s actions that has nothing to do with you.

Steps to Recover from Being Ghosted

To start the process of recovery, you'll need to shift your focus from what you've lost to what you have and who you are as a person. To work on recovery:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel hurt, confused, or angry. Journaling or talking to a trusted friend can help you process these emotions.

2. Avoid Overanalyzing: Resist the urge to replay every interaction or blame yourself. Remind yourself that your partner's leaving has very little to do with you--it's about their character and maturity level.

3. Reclaim Your Power: Make decisions and do things for yourself, rather than wondering what he would have wanted or thought. Don't fall into the trap of "telling him off" or repeatedly reaching out to him. If he contacts you in the future, think long and hard about whether you want someone who would do that to you (or anyone else) in your life.

4. Focus on Self-Care: Channel your energy into activities that make you feel good, whether that’s exercising, a hobby, or spending time with loved ones. Also consider putting your energy into doing things that are good for you, whether they feel good in the moment or not.

5. Build a Support System: Find people you enjoy being around and spend time with them. Go back to old friend groups or join new groups and put some effort into making new friends. Being around people you enjoy will help counter the worries of why you were ghosted.

6. Reframe the Experience: View being ghosted as a reflection of your ex's character and limitations, not your worthiness. 

7. Set Boundaries for Yourself: Consider how you expect to be treated and what are dealbreakers for you in relationships (of any kind). In new relationships, speak up about what you don't like quickly. This will teach people how you expect to be treated and help you see who is capable of respecting you and your boundaries.

8. Consider Professional Help: If you're struggling to move on (and I'm sure you are!), a good therapist can be valuable resource for processing what happened and supporting you through recovery.

In summary, all of what I said here is about shifting your focus from loss and wondering what's wrong with you to what's great about you and what you're good at. It will feel unnatural at first and be hard to do, but keep it up because your recovery will come down to you deciding what you believe about yourself.

Remember, you are the one who defines your worth, not the silence of someone who couldn’t communicate their feelings. With time, reflection, and self-compassion, you can emerge from this experience and be ready to embrace the connections that truly honor and respect you.