Is My Marriage Worth Saving? One Woman’s Dilemma and My Advice

Dear Dr. Julie, I caught my husband talking to another female twice. He changed his number because he said he wants to salvage our marriage. I don’t know if I feel the same way anymore. He’s hurt me so many times after we got married. He has disappeared on me for days, wasted so much money on drugs and drinking. I just feel used because we never communicate anymore. He doesn’t care about what I have to say. He doesn’t express how he feels. So I ask myself why am I in this marriage? We have two children together. And I feel like he is with me because of the children. I don’t trust him. What do I do?

--Tired in Texas

Dear Tired in Texas,

You’re in an incredibly difficult place, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling confused and hurt. It’s hard to feel used, neglected, and betrayed by someone you’ve built a life with—especially when children are involved. It sounds like your husband’s actions have broken down trust in your relationship, and you’re left questioning whether it can ever be rebuilt.

If you're just starting to question how best to respond, the first thing I want to say is that you don’t have to make any decisions right now--you have a lot to consider. The pain and uncertainty you’re feeling make it tempting to rush toward an answer, but giving yourself space to breathe, reflect, and understand your own needs is essential. I know from my own experience how difficult it can be to think about leaving, even when the relationship is deeply painful and the "obvious" answer is to leave.

Let's start by focusing on you. Before making any decisions about the marriage, it’s important to rebuild your own sense of well-being and clarity.

1. Prioritize Your Well-being (Start with You):
Your emotional, mental, and physical health are paramount right now. Consider starting with small, nurturing steps that help you reconnect with yourself. I recommend reading Terry Real’s book “I Don’t Want to Talk About It,” which dives into the male experience of relationships and may give you a deeper understanding of what you're dealing with in your marriage. This insight can be eye-opening and help you see the full picture.

In addition, begin journaling your feelings regularly. This can help you untangle the complex emotions swirling inside and allow you to process your thoughts without the immediate pressure to act.

Alongside that, spend time doing things that bring you joy. Whether that’s taking a spa day, exploring arts and crafts, traveling, or deepening friendships—these activities remind you of who you are outside of the marriage. Also, movement can be incredibly grounding, so I encourage you to start exercising, even if it’s just a daily walk. These small acts of self-care aren’t about avoiding the situation, but about giving you strength and clarity for whatever comes next.

2. Set Boundaries:
If your husband is serious about salvaging the marriage, there needs to be clear boundaries in place. These boundaries are not only for your protection but also to create an opportunity for real change. Consider what you need from him, whether that’s him getting help for his substance use, attending couples therapy, or committing to honest, consistent communication. Boundaries are about respecting yourself enough to say, “This is what I need in order for this to work.” 

3. Seek Professional Support:
If possible, engage in therapy—whether couples therapy or individual therapy. Sometimes having a neutral third party can create space for difficult conversations and help you get clarity on your next steps. It may also help him understand your pain and his role in the healing process. Healing a marriage isn’t just about saying, “I’m sorry” and moving forward. It requires deep, intentional effort on both sides.

4. Give Yourself Time:
You don’t have to rush toward a decision. It's okay to sit with the discomfort for a little while, as long as you’re taking care of yourself. Healing and clarity take time, and as you prioritize your well-being, you might find that the answers become clearer to you naturally.

5. Even if the Marriage Works, Stay Committed to Yourself:
If, after giving it time, the marriage begins to heal, continue the work for yourself as much as for the relationship. One thing I’ve learned is that prioritizing the relationship over your well-being doesn't lead to long-term happiness. If you stay, make sure you keep nourishing your emotional and physical health. And if the marriage doesn’t work, then listen to your instincts. It’s okay to acknowledge that you’ve done everything you can, and if you reach that point, start considering your next steps for a future where you feel respected, safe, and valued.

6. Trust Your Instincts:
If your gut is telling you that this marriage is over, listen to it. If your gut is saying that you need to give your marriage a chance, listen to it. Your instincts are often more in tune with your needs than your mind might allow. Be mindful of following your instinctive reaction with "But, ... ." But, what about the kids. But, what about my finances. But, what will people think. If you follow the "but" and ignore your instincts, you'll get stuck.

No matter what path you choose, know that you deserve a relationship where you feel heard, understood, and cherished. But right now, the most important relationship to nurture is the one with yourself.

Do you have a question for Dr. Julie? Submit your question here. If your question is answered, it will appear in Dr. Julie's weekly newsletter and her blog.