Recovering From Infidelity

Dear Dr. Julie: I discovered my husband had cheated on me with a (supposed) woman on the internet. He says she lives in Tennessee and nothing happened physically. As it turns out she was scamming him for money, which he sent to her. I can get over that part, it’s the things he texted her, like I love you, your the most beautiful woman I have seen, your sexy, and the worst one is master bating to her photos while talking to each other by text. He is 70 years old and I’m 66 and she is 38. I found the text and the pictures on his phone.

This went on for about 4 weeks. He would sneak to another room and text her, or while he was working his part-time job. After I found this and confronted him, he just kept saying nothing physically happened, as we are two states away. The emotional hurt was so bad I threatened suicide to my Doctor. She sent the police to my house and took me to a psychiatric ward at our local hospital. I was there almost a week. It has been almost 3 months and I get intrusive thoughts that I can’t help. It makes me very emotional and we usually fight about my thoughts. We have been married 33 years and have children together (not at home). We have been to a marriage counselor once and he felt like she had been very harsh with him. He thinks I should get over it and move on. He doesn’t get how badly he hurt me. Can we come back from this and be happy again?

Signed, Emotionally Broken

Dear Emotionally Broken: I'm so sorry. The emotional devastation caused by infidelity is the worst kind of trauma and betrayal. There is a reason Dante put treachery (betrayal) in the 9th circle of hell--it is the worst thing we can do to another person.

Your husband is dismissing your feelings by saying he never had sex with her. Emotional affairs are just as hurtful as physical affairs. Partners don't "just get over" being hurt by affairs. It takes a lot of emotional work. Some experts equate the hurt of affairs as similar to post-traumatic stress disorder. The similarities can be striking: flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, hypervigilance, being "triggered" by anything that reminds you of the trauma (affair), and a heightened sensitivity to nearly everything, which makes pain worse, sleep hard, and everything feel like it's fall apart. Your entire nervous system has been activated and no amount of "just get over it" is going to get you through this. 

There are couples who get through affairs and are able to continue their marriage, but doing so takes effort. Some are able to work through it while they remain married. Others need to separate to work on the marriage. Regardless, repair requires individual and couple's therapy. One client (male) I've worked with also needed group therapy, which he initially attended only because he didn't want a divorce. So can you come back from this? It's possible but not without actively working on the problem.

At a minimum and for your own sake, go to individual therapy. If you can, find a therapist who is familiar with the devastation caused by infidelity. If at all possible and if you want to save your marriage, find a couple's therapist who has worked with couples dealing with infidelity. Make sure that the therapist understands that you are just as hurt as you would have been if he had had sex with her.

I wish you the best in your journey out of this painful episode in your life. Focus on your recovery and the answers you seek will become clear.

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