The Surprising Secret to Setting Boundaries

Have you ever been told you are selfish when just trying to set a boundary? Do you worry that others think you're selfish? If you’re a people-pleaser, this label can feel like a nightmare—often enough to make you question if setting boundaries is even worth it.

But the truth is that boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and self-respect. In this post, we’ll dive into the key to setting boundaries without feeling selfish and avoiding those all-too-common misunderstandings.

Why Boundaries Can Feel "Selfish" to Others

First, let’s discuss why setting boundaries can sometimes seem selfish. When we set a boundary, we ask someone to adjust their behavior or habits. This can feel uncomfortable, especially for people not used to hearing “no” or receiving change requests. But boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else; they’re about preserving our own space, energy, and well-being.

The key lies in how you communicate. Are you speaking from a place of self-respect and care, or does it unintentionally sound like an attempt to control? Here’s how to ensure your boundaries are clear, compassionate, and unselfish.

Focus on Yourself, Not the Other Person

One of the best ways to avoid coming off as selfish is to frame the boundary in terms of how you are affected rather than what the other person should or shouldn’t do. For example, imagine you and your partner share a car. If they tend to leave food wrappers and dirt inside after using it, you could say:

“When I get in the car and see trash left behind, it feels unpleasant and frustrating. I’d love to be able to step into a clean space. Could you please clean up after using it?”

By focusing on how you feel, you’re not telling your partner they’re wrong or that they have to change their habits. Instead, you’re simply sharing your experience and making a respectful request. This approach is far more likely to be received positively.

Use Empathy to Understand Their Perspective

The other person may sometimes react defensively because they feel criticized or judged. One way to soften this response is by showing empathy. For example:

“I know we both use the car, and you might not always have time to clean it up afterward. But when there’s clutter left behind, it affects me. I’d really appreciate it if we could work out a way to keep it clean that works for both of us.”

Empathy goes a long way in making the other person feel seen and respected, even when you’re setting a boundary.

Avoid Criticizing or Giving "Life Advice"

It’s tempting to explain why certain changes could benefit someone else, but doing so can make you sound controlling. Telling your partner they should eat less in the car, for example, or avoid fast food to “solve” the issue shifts the focus to them and creates unnecessary friction.

Instead, stick to the impact on you and the simple request. Leave out the analysis of their behavior or habits. This way, the boundary is about what you need rather than what you think they need to change.

Recognize That Setting Boundaries is Not Selfish

Remember, boundaries are not only okay—they’re essential. Setting limits isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for well-being. When you communicate boundaries calmly and respectfully, you’re expressing self-respect, not self-centeredness. Learning this mindset shift can make all the difference.

Practice Makes Perfect

The more you practice setting boundaries, the easier it becomes to approach them confidently and respectfully. If it feels daunting, practice with smaller boundaries and notice how others respond when you keep the focus on yourself.

Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re worried about being perceived as selfish. But when you frame them from a place of self-care, empathy, and understanding, you’ll find it easier to communicate your needs without feeling guilty. Ultimately, setting healthy boundaries can help you build stronger, more fulfilling relationships with others and, most importantly, with yourself.

Want to know the secret to setting boundaries without feeling selfish? In my latest video, I include examples and actionable tips that make setting boundaries easier and more respectful. Watch the full video to discover how to avoid making boundaries seem selfish and start creating healthier relationships today!