The Biggest Problem with People-Pleasing...and What to Do About It

You can feel it deep inside. There is something missing but you don’t quite know what it is. 

You might feel scared that your friends or partner don’t really care about you. 

You might feel under (nearly) constant threat of making them mad or even leaving you.

Or maybe the problem is you don’t really know what you want, what you value, or who you are. 

You’re so focused on making everyone else happy you’ve become a chameleon, morphing your opinions, beliefs, and desires into whatever the other person wants or believes.

The thing that's missing is YOU! You care so much about others, you’ve forgotten about your authentic self. 

👆👆👆👆 This is the biggest problem with the habit of people-pleasing.

You know you are in this trap if you really don’t have opinions about most things and are happy to go along with whatever other people want. Or, you struggle with trying to make everyone happy and you get stressed out if you don’t have the information needed to do all the “right” things. Chances are high you are a perfectionist.

The reason not knowing your authentic self is such a problem is because without values, preferences, needs, or opinions, you can’t set boundaries, you can’t ask for what you want, and you aren’t showing up in relationships. (People-pleasing is actually disconnecting you from relationships, not bringing you closer. 🤯)

If you don’t know what you want, value, or believe, you won’t be able to stop your people-pleasing habit. Tapping into who you are, your authentic self, is the foothold you need to get out of this habit.

I know you people-please because you value relationships. (You know one thing you value!) We all need relationships to be healthy and happy*. 

But to get the kind of relationships you want, the love your people-pleasing habit was designed to get you, you have to be willing to express yourself more completely. 

• You must figure out what you want.
• You must learn how to ask for what you want.
• You must get better at setting boundaries in a healthy way.
• You must risk disagreements.
• You must have a better understanding of your emotions and how to control them.

You need to be more centered around who you are and not so much on what other people want from you or expect you to be. (This is not being selfish. See my article on selfishness for a better understanding: https://www.drjulieshafer.com/blog/how-to-tell-if-you-are-being-selfish) You need to be in the spotlight a bit. I know you don’t want to draw too much attention to yourself, but if you want relationships based on authenticity and love, you are going to have to occasionally take center stage. 

The five skills listed above are essential, but they are way too much to tackle all at once, or by yourself for that matter. If you have a habit of people-pleasing, you are protecting yourself and I would not suggest making big changes all at once. 

Plus, there are upsides to people-pleasing, so we don’t want to stop all your people-pleasing. We just need to take a step back and start including you, your values, preferences, needs and beliefs in your relationships. You can still please other people, it’s just better if you don’t exclude yourself in the process.

So how do you get out of this trap? How do you be your authentic self without coming across as selfish or b*tchy? If you’re willing to put in some work, you can do it and I can help you with it. Here is the basic process:

1. Get an idea of where your habit of people-pleasing comes from. (Read this article to start: https://www.drjulieshafer.com/blog/why-do-people-become-people-pleasers)
2. Create a vision of your authentic self in relationships. (Journaling is a great help here.)
3. Learn the skills you need for effective communication, emotional maturity and secure attachment. (Get my Effective Communication Guide for People Pleasers.)
4. Understand the limitations, faults, and issues you each bring to your relationship. 
5. Daily practice working toward your vision.

These last 3 points require self-reflection and it helps to have a coach or therapist help you out here. Check out my self-reflection article to get started (https://www.drjulieshafer.com/blog/how-self-reflection-will-help-you-overcome-people-pleasing). 

Here are somethings you can do to start the process:

• Read other articles I’ve written on these topics.
• Keep a journal reflecting on your patterns and what you are trying to change.
• Get a coach or therapist to help you.
• Take a course related to these topics and the skills to help you out. (see my courses here).
• Join The Loved Lifestyle membership for support from me and others. 

Life is a work in progress, always. The work doesn’t end until the day you leave this mortal realm. In the meantime, you always have a chance to do things better, show up authentically, and love yourself and others to the best of your ability.

* There is a mountain of research showing the positive effect of social support and the negative effects of no social support. It’s so important it literally affects how long you live.