When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce and You Don't

Good Evening Dr. Julie, My husband and I are currently separated. He wants the divorce I do not. We are working together on figuring out the property end of things, but how do I set the boundary of not singing the divorce papers as what I feel and want matters too.

--Dodging Divorce

Dear Dodging: Yes, what you want matters. Here are some things you can try. 

First, don't get angry and don't beg. Neither of these behaviors are attractive and will only make things worse. 

Be clear that you don't want to divorce and you'd be willing to work with him on things that would make the marriage better for him.

Get curious about how he's feeling and why he's asking for a divorce. If he hasn't said so already, ask him if he's feeling unloved, undervalued, and unappreciated in the marriage. Then, start here to see if being more expressive and honest about what you love, value, and appreciate about him helps him feel less like divorcing.

Also, ask him if he'd be willing to go to marital counseling. If not, then at least you should go to individual counseling. You might consider individual counseling even if he says he'll go to marital counseling. It's usually helpful to unpack your feelings and process what has come up in marital counseling with a therapist who is focused solely on you.

Another thing to talk about is if he'd be willing to try a few less drastic things before divorcing. Maybe there are logistical and/or relationship dynamics that are getting in the way. Working on the dynamics may require counseling to achieve because the patterns that have become ingrained in a relationship can be difficult to overcome without some outside help.

If he says he has fallen out of love, talk with him about what he means by that. 

It's not uncommon to feel like you've fallen out of love, especially if you've both been busy with work, raising a family, and other social obligations. Paying all your attention to these pressures will take away from the emotional intimacy a marriage requires. Getting back to emotional intimacy and safety are key to returning the marriage to an earlier, more loving state.

I'd also encourage more talk about the beginning of the relationship and what made the two of you fall in love in the first place.

There are also a series of questions you can ask each other to increase your intimacy. You can get a list of those questions here.

As far as not signing the papers being a boundary issue, this isn't as a boundary issue. Signing divorce papers is a legal formality. If he is insistent that he doesn't want to remain married, even if you don't sign the papers, he is leaving the relationship. I hope this is not the case for you and that he can be open to your desire to work on the marriage.

This is a difficult time for both of you. Divorce is one of the saddest things that can happen to a couple. I truly hope you two can return to a loving marriage.

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