Why Asking Your Spouse to Come Home Won’t Fix Your Family

Hi Dr. Julie, I am currently separated and going through the divorce process. I don't want the divorce, but my husband's affair partner just moved in from Tennessee, and they've only been dating for five months. My boys are struggling with all of this and just want the family to stay together. How do I go about telling him this is not best for the kids, and we just want him home?

--Heartbroken in Houston

Dear Heartbroken, 

First, I want to acknowledge how difficult this situation must be for you and your boys. It’s heartbreaking when the people we love make choices that hurt us, especially when it feels like your family is being torn apart. The urge to fix everything and bring your husband home for the sake of your children is completely understandable.

However, it's important to recognize that even if your husband came home, it wouldn't change what has happened and the damage his choice has done to you and your boys. Asking him to return for the sake of the children, though well-intentioned, likely won’t result in the outcome you hope for. A family can’t thrive when one person isn’t truly present emotionally or committed to the relationship.

If you’ve already made it clear to him that you and the boys want him to come home, saying it in a different way isn’t likely to change his mind. He heard you. He knows you and the boys would prefer he remain with the family. At this point, the most empowering thing you can do for yourself and your children is to focus on how to navigate this difficult time.

Rather than putting energy into persuading him to return, consider redirecting that energy toward helping your boys process their emotions and adjust to the changes. I know this pushes you to accept what has happened and you don't feel ready to do that yet, but children often sense when a parent is not fully present, even if they’re physically in the home. What they need most right now is a strong, stable presence from you—someone who can guide them through this transition with love and support. Your ability to help them cope with this will mean the difference between them retaining a relationship with their father or not.

This means validating their pain and confusion and in the process validating your own. Let them express their hopes for the family and their sadness about what’s happening. But at the same time, help them understand that while we can’t control what others do, we can take charge of how we respond and how we move forward together as a family unit—however that looks in the future.

In the end, being clear about your wants and needs is important, but so is accepting that your husband has heard you, and continuing to ask may only cause more hurt. It’s time to focus on you and your boys. Healing begins when we stop waiting for someone else to change and start focusing on what we can control.

Sending you strength and compassion during this difficult time.

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